From Mother Monster to Diva Deity, Lady Gaga's visions of grandeur have thus turned to delusions, as the platforms and pillars she climbs ever higher will in due time no longer serve as a tower to broadcast her feverish pop evangelism, but serve to mark her widening, deepening grave.
In a nutshell, the pretention-addled, rambling sentence above is an example of the tone in her new music video for "G.U.Y." (stands for "Girl Under You"). Gaga's visions, like the universe, are forever expanding and at this point, her opulent results are looking silly instead of stimulating. Plus, peppering some really odd cameos in her new video isn't helping, either.
Here are seven eye-rolling moments we saw in Lady Gaga's "G.U.Y.":
1. Angsty Gaga - How many times do we need to see a wounded Lady Gaga crawling along the ground like a wounded bird? In "G.U.Y.," she is literally that, a bird shot down by a swarm of cash-grabbing businessmen. The singer sure isn't one for sublety.
2. House party at Hearst Castle - The entire pool scene seems so sparsely arranged, like a student film borrowing a friend's uncle's vacation home. The palatial pool at the Hearst estate completely dwarfs anything Gaga was trying to do, so the dancers and random characters just seem like they wandered in. And the flower and tulle bouquet wrapped over the singer as she is carried into the pool is eye-roll city.
3. The "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" Band - This is when things get strange, even for Gaga. Lisa Vanderpump, Yolanda Foster, Kyle Richards, and Kim Richards of the Bravo reality franchise have cameos as Gaga's backing band. We understand their swanky lifestyles qualify them to appear as part of the ostentatious backdrop, but c'mon, Gaga, you can do better.
4. Bravo's Andy Cohen as Zeus - The singer appeared on Cohen's "Watch What Happens Live" show last fall and must've become BFFs with the popular host. While Cohen does happen to have the perfectly chic haircut of a Grecian aristocrat already, it's an entirely cheeseball move to have him floating in the sky that breaks any dramatics Gaga attempted to craft in the angsty opening.
5. Gaga Bear - Sorry Gaga, Miley has dibs on bears at the moment. And did an intern cut that out of posterboard?
5. Re-animated Michael Jackson, Jesus, and Gandhi - This is probably the most shocking part of the video. It's one thing to have impersonators of the odd trio, or even criticize to these historical figures. But to depict them rising up out of their coffins by some scientific process and getting blood drawn for some unclear use is just way too creepy.
6. Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle Richards as Gaga's sexy sidekicks - Gaga and her Real Housewife enforcers take over an office building by force, and they all actually look pretty great doing it. Still, we know too much about the lives of the Housewives to find it remotely convincing. Thank heavens (or in this world, thank Andy Cohen) for Vanderpump's little dog Giggy the Pom. Who doesn't like a dog in a tux?
7. The "film" is 30 percent credits - It's a very generous and kind gesture to acknowledge the whole crew that worked on this video. But when the scrolling credits take up four minutes of a 12-minute clip, Gaga's editors should've looked for other ways of giving every single extra, truck driver, and office worker a shoutout.
The video as a whole issn't her most impressive effort, but it's true to the image of Mother Monster. Luckily, the best part of the video is Gaga herself, who looks absolutely fantastic thanks to her team of digital editors, stylists, hair and makeup artists, and choreographers, whose names we all know now thanks to the all-inclusive credits.