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Thursday, 19 December 2013

The 10 Worst Movies of 2013

Photo: Warner Bros. / Fox / Sony

We take no joy in trashing the work of others, which is why even though our list of The Best Movies of 2013 is 25 films deep, and the list below is only 10.

Still, some movies leave such a bad aftertaste that crafting a list of the year's biggest stinkers felt like a professional responsibility.

From unfunny comedy to laughable sci-fi to depressing, franchise-tainting action, here are the movies we enjoyed the very least this year.

10. "The Hangover Part III"
The Hangover III

The third (and thankfully final) installment in director Todd Phillips's lucrative franchise played more like a dark, humorless action film than a compelling, guys-gone-wild comedy. Stale characters, lack of a narrative, and an excessive amount of animal cruelty jokes made many realize that the Wolfpack should have been euthanized after the first, unnecessary sequel. —Matt Whitfield
9. "Oldboy"

Whatever new and unique ideas Spike Lee and Josh Brolin attempted to bring to their "reinterpretation" of Park Chan-wook's 2003 film were quite literally lost in translation. With or without spoiling the film's oh-no-they-didn't twist, Chan-wook's original explores the twisted, dark depths of human nature and survival instincts in a compelling, artistic fashion; Lee's version hits the exact same notes but in an oddly paced, flat and off-putting fashion. —Kara Warner
8. "Grown Ups 2"
Grown Ups 2

Adam Sandler stars in yet another a goofball, lowbrow, bro-tastic comedy … and it's a sequel! Just because fish-out-of-suburbs "Grown Ups 2" made decent dough, raking in $246 million worldwide, doesn't mean it'sgood. Critics panned the heck out of it for its predictable raunch and overall laziness. We just think bringing the guys together again in their hometown — heck, in any setting — is a horrendous idea. —Meriah Doty
7. "The Canyons"
The Canyons

No one expected the movie funded through Kickstarter starring Lindsay Lohan and James Deen to be good, necessarily. But we didn't figure it would be quite so, well, boring. Bret Easton Ellis's script was plodding, and Paul Schrader's direction was plodding. Lohan and Deen didn't embarrass themselves, though the rest of the supporting cast pretty much did. But this was the sort of film that could have been either a surprisingly engaging gem or a laughably awful midnight movie, and it was neither. Instead of being "so bad it's good," it landed square in the middle of bad and didn't go any farther. —Matt McDaniel
6. "Machete Kills"
Machete Kills

No es bueno. No es bueno at all. Let us first state that we were huge fans of the first "Machete" (in fact, it was on this writer's year-end Top 10 list), a "Mexploitation" romp that was way better than it had any right being. The first go-round with Danny Trejo's unhinged vigilante was absurdly entertaining; "Machete Kills" is just absurd, and feels like a cheap imitation of the original. We beg you, Robert Rodriguez, do not move forward with the possible threequel, "Machete Kills Again … In Space." It looks unwatchable. —Kevin Polowy

5. "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters"
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

You can almost see the wires the witches are hanging from when they "fly" to rustle up trouble with Hansel and Gretel. (Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton, what were you thinking!?) It reads like a studio exec's "hurry-up-and-capitalize-on-fairy-tales-trend" gone terribly awry, with awful stunts and cheesy effects. Rivaling the horridness of one of film's worst movies "The Room," "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" is watchable in the vein that it's so tremendously bad it's good. —Meriah Doty
4. "The Lone Ranger"
The Lone Ranger

You call this "The Lone Ranger"?! More like The Lame Ranger! (Zing!) Johnny Depp and director Gore Verbinski tried fruitlessly to recreate the thrill-ride magic they had on the first "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie set in the classic Western backdrop. Furthermore, Captain Jack Sparrow as the beloved Tonto not only didn't work, but it was in questionable taste. Even the energetic classic "Lone Ranger" theme music (otherwise known as Rossini's "William Tell Overture") wasn't exciting enough to get this train to leave the station. —Breanne L. Heldman
3. "After Earth"
After Earth

With a seemingly interesting premise and one of our favorite actors, this Smith family affair showed a lot of promise. Unfortunately it also showed Jaden trying to be an action hero, the flattest performance Will has ever delivered, and a disheartening lack of heart. If you're going to put a giant video game up on screen — and a sterile, boring one at that — at least give us a joystick to play along and try to veer the story away from the completely predictable. —Adam Pockross
2. "Movie 43"
Movie 43
In the spirit of this "comedy" anthology featuring an ensemble of embarrassed actors, we'll turn to an ensemble of critics (we couldn't possibly top these respones): "Utterly disgusting" (Entertainment Weekly); "'Movie 43' is the 'Citizen Kane' of awful (Richard Roeper); "Deadly dull, unfunny, offensive" (The New Yorker); "The ugly stinking maw of a Hollywood system that thinks you're an idiot" (; "As a film critic, I've seen nearly 4,000 movies over the last 15 years. Right now, I can't think of one worse than 'Movie 43'" (New York Daily News). —K.P.
1. "A Good Day to Die Hard"
A Good Day to Die Hard

It's bad enough this bloated behemoth blew up Budapest (Moscow's stunt double) in lieu of a script (when did John McClane become a spy exactly?), but to sully the good name of one of action's most beloved franchises is just too much to ignore. And while even McClane on his best day couldn't save this mailed-it-in stinker, at least Bruce Willis could have tried.

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